My Twenty-first Piece of Translation Exercise (passage from "Jane Eyre")Homepage List

62. My Twenty-first Piece of Translation Exercise (passage from "Jane Eyre")

The original passage (taken from "Jane Eyre" (《簡愛》) by Charlotte Bronte):

A lover finds his mistress asleep on a mossy bank; he wishes to catch a glimpse of her fair face without waking her. He steals softly over the grass, careful to make no sound; he pauses - fancying she has stirred: he withdraws: not for worlds would he be seen. All is still: he again advances: he bends above her; a light veil rests on her features: he lifts it, bends lower; now his eyes anticipate the vision of beauty - warm, and blooming, and lovely, in rest. How hurried was their first glance! But how they fix! How he starts! How he suddenly and vehemently clasps in both arms the form he dared not, a moment since, touch with his finger! How he calls aloud a name, and drops his burden, and gazes on it wildly! He thus grasps and cries, and gazes, because he no longer fears to waken by any sound he can utter - by any movenment he can make. He thought his love slept sweetly: he finds she is stone dead.


My Chinese translation:

一個墮進愛河者發現他的愛人在一處苔蘚斜坡上睡著了,他不想弄醒她而能瞥一眼她的美貌。他躡手躡腳踏著草地,不製造任何聲響。他停下來,以為她動了動身體;他退卻,不想世上有任何人看到他。一切都靜止不動,他再次前進,彎身到她上方。一面輕柔的罩巾留在她面容上,他拿起它,身子彎得更低一些。他眼睛預期著看到一幅美人安息的圖像──溫暖的、如花盛放的和可愛的。他們初會見的時刻是何等匆促啊!可是如今他們都膠著不動啊!他是何等驚訝啊!他是何等突然和猛烈地以雙臂環抱著這副早前一刻他還不敢用手指觸碰的軀體啊!他是何等高聲呼叫著一個名字、卸下他的重擔和瘋狂地盯著它啊!他這樣緊握、呼喊和緊盯著,因為他不再害怕他發出的任何聲響、他產生的任何動作會弄醒她。他本以為他的至愛是酣睡著的:他發覺她像石頭般死去了!


Translation of the same passage copied from a book for comparison:

一個情人發現他的愛人睡在長著苔蘚的河岸上,想要看一看她美麗的容顏,而不想驚醒她。他悄悄走過草地,著意不發出一點聲響。他停下──以為她動了一動;他後退,怎麼也不願讓她看見。一切寂靜無聲,他於是又再前進,彎下身子俯視她,她臉上覆著一面輕紗,他把它掀起, 低下頭去,現在他預期會見到美人──溫暖、美艷、可愛的睡美人。那眼睛多麼急促地搜尋啊!然而它們多麼木然地定住啊!他又是怎樣地驚跳起來啊!他雙臂多麼突然地、猛烈地抱住那一會兒之前他還踫都不敢踫的身體啊!他如何大喊出名字、豁出一切、狂野地盯著她啊!他如此緊抱著、哭喊著、呆瞪著,因為他再也不必擔心他發出的任何聲音、他做出的任何舉動會吵醒她了。他本以為他的愛人甜甜睡著,卻發現她已經跟石頭一樣,僵硬無氣了。

(Written on March 8, 2015)